I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
