he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
