it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
