Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
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btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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