Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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