His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
honey bunches of taint.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Randomize
