i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you traded sex for a burrito?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
