It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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