dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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