'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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