Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
