The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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