hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
