I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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