I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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