I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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