all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
