I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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