I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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