Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
