I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
