I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Did we literally take a cab across the street
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
