i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
