My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
