When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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