last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
