Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
