im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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