haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
