How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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