I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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