I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
