The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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