i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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