I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
