It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
