theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
