If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
it glows. i had to have it.
As shirtless as possible
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
