If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
