Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
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