The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
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