i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
