dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
