Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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