Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
