Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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