I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
