Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
