I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
