Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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