I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
