My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
