I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
