omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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