tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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