The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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