Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
